My friends if you know me well
If you have questions you want me to quell
You’ll know I’ve been gone a few years
Took a look at my ancient twitter
My seventeen followers a flitter
2014 was the end it appears
In every job application
I put social media as a foundation
I had seventeen volunteers
No reason at all to regret
No need to prove skill on the net
Though it could explain my careers
I have a cute friend overseas
Teaching babies just how to say please
I hope that she knows
How to cover a nose
Not her own or she’ll end up herself with a sneeze!
My friend is a popular gal
Meeting shopkeepers, calling them pal
No need for a tale
They’ll just give her a sale
Easy to see their rationale
She now is a practiced gourmet
Let naysayers try and say nay
Though some ingredients
Are a lot more than cents
She makes food that you just can’t downplay
John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt
His name is my name too
Whenever I go out
The bouncers always shout
Can you verify your ID with a credit card?
Who needs cardio
When you have both panic and
Rage from your workplace?
In the morning I’m a monster
An uncoordinated mess
I’m sorry if I poked your eye
I’m clumsy, I confess
And once I punched you in my sleep
I swear an accident
Luckily when you woke up
Your condition was near mint
When I wake up I groan to you
About the loud alarm
It’s one I set myself, I know
It doesn’t cause me harm
In my youth I sleep-walked
And now I just sleep-fight
An elbow for some covers
Why can’t I just sleep tight?
A habitual insomniac
For now it seems I’m cured
But at what price for you
With all you have endured?
Superglue, my dad would say
About the topic at hand
He wouldn’t want to stop the day
And make the scene more grand
My mom would clean and cover
With a chance of a call to my pharmacist aunt
She’d kill any chance of invasion
But the care would surely not be scant
But as for me and mine
I’m somewhere in between
For me I’d bandage and be fine
But for friends it’s more extreme
The hubris he felt did linger
He attacked the avocado with relish
And didn’t notice the finger
I swear I’d never embellish
It’s not what I said I’d do
But for him to avoid the tomb
In the chaos that did ensue
We spent the night in the emergency room
And what did the doctor say
When the finger came to his view?
Don’t worry I’ll patch it up
Let’s use some superglue
Hate everyone’s business but mine
I tell them I’ll work more, it’s fine
What I really need
A vacation, godspeed
Don’t give me another deadline
Impulsive while I
Travel, I eat a hot dog.
Sorry… Onion breath
My saving grace, I
Refuse to take off my shoes
No one deserves that
I could be a fitness guru
Coordination: none to view
Alas, that fate will be untrue
I work out in a smelly space
Sweating buckets, bright red face
Jumping around and lacking grace
In reality, a clown.
Working at home
Coworkers are my house plants
I have named them all
Oh The Vogonity 